Meet Sarah 37 years old, 10 weeks pregnant and going it alone
My name is Sarah, I’m 37 and never really had a proper boyfriend, not a long term one anyway. I was always off having fun and I'm also a bit rubbish with men. It's always been much easier to be on my own and to be honest I didn’t have enough self confidence to be in a relationship. I was always happier with my female or gay male friends - total cliché!
Anyway I moved out of London a couple of years ago, out to sleepy Lincoln where my mum & sister live, got myself a dog and life calmed down an awful lot. I lost a bit of weight and my confidence started to grow so I signed myself up on one of the Internet dating sites and started going out on dates to see if I could get myself a boyfriend finally. They were all awful, either boring or lecherous and after about 6 or 7 horrific dates I decided to give it a bit of a rest for a while but had one last date to go on. So on the first May Bank Holiday weekend I went out for ice cream with Mr. A
I remember seeing him and heaving a huge sigh or relief. He seemed really nice and wasn't offensive to look at! We went for ice cream, then wine, then out for dinner with more wine. He walked me home and I invited him in for even more wine. We had a fab time. I woke up in the morning and thought he was great. By this point we'd had unprotected sex and we had it again in the morning. I did say that I wasn't on the pill but we were a bit swept up in it all. We went out again on the Monday and again we had a lovely time, we seemed to really get on, and even though we're in our mid thirties we were careless again that night.
So the following weekend we met up again, and again we had unprotected sex but this time we put our sensible heads on and took a trip to Boots and we got the morning after pill. I didn't particularly want to take it, I know someone that had a pretty bad experience with it, however I didn't want to ruin the relationship that was growing with an unwanted pregnancy so willingly had it. The weekend after that I went on the pill and we were sensible for the seven days till it kicked in.
I suffer from PMT quite badly, I get lots of aches and pains and the mood swings are just monstrous so I decided to go on the pill that you take all month round and not have a period as it would get rid of the feeling of wanting to kill everyone around me.
A month or so later and the relationship is flourishing. The dogs really taken to him and he's even met my family and I was due to met his. Mr. A is a chef so I'd been eating really well, drinking lots of wine and basically living the good life. I put a belt on and noticed I had to let it out a notch, time to head back to the gym! I'd only done one body combat class since I'd met Mr. A as I was having so much fun, and sex, and noticed in the class that my boobs were sore. They'd been aching quite a bit but I put it down to my body getting used to the pill. But once I hit that treadmill I knew something was wrong. I couldn't run never mind sprint, I've never known agony like it, I thought something was seriously wrong. Before I freaked out completely I thought I'd better take a pregnancy test.
I knew. I knew before I took the test what the outcome was going to be, but when that positive appeared I was still shocked. So shocked I took 4 tests, all with the same outcome. My mum & sister came round and we all talked and I said I wanted it. They are fabulous and said they would support me... Then Mr. A came round.
He knew straight away something was up, mostly because I didn't have a glass of wine in my hand. I told him and he was as stunned as I was. I told him I wanted to keep it and he obviously felt that this was a bad idea. I cried a lot and he decided not to stay the night. We spent the weekend together and we spoke about it more, my main concern was the morning after pill. A friend had taken it and ended up having an ectopic pregnancy and lost a fallopian tube because of it and I dreaded the same thing happening to me. We decided I would go to the doctors and get an early scan to check I was OK and we'd take it from there. He was adamant that he didn't want me to have it and felt that me going through with it would be a bad idea. However the alternative just wasn't an option. After having a termination 10 years previously I knew this was something I couldn't go through again. I knew I would regret it.
Off I popped to the doctors after spending a very strained weekend with Mr. A I broke down to the doctor and I don't think she quite knew what to do with me. She advised me to wait but I blubbed out my concerns and she booked me in for an early scan two days later.
In those two days I cried a lot, I gave all my options some serious thought, my family had already planned my life out for me, Mr. A was expressing how unhappy he was and how much he wanted me to get rid of it and I just wanted to be left alone to work out if this was really something I could do on my own.
I turned up early for my scan. I was the first one of the day and the ward wasn't even open when I got there. I told the nurse everything and she was naturally concerned as my decision wasn't 100% made but I went in and had the scan anyway. They put the jelly on and looked at the screen, they asked if I wanted to see, I said Yes. There it was, sitting exactly where it should be, a weird little 8 week old blob surrounding a tiny beating heart and my mind was made up. That was all I needed.
I got back into the car and I called Mr. A. I told him I was fine & properly pregnant. I said that I was sorry if it made him unhappy but I was going ahead with it after all no one could guarantee that I would get another chance to have a child in the future. I said to take his time to think about what he wants to do and if he wanted to walk away he could and I wouldn't blame him. So off he went to think and I told my family that was it, it was happening.
The next day I got a text from Mr. A asking how I was and telling me how unhappy and worried he was and how much he didn't want to have a child.
I felt guilty and I really cared for him but no matter what I wasn't changing my mind and I was happy with my decision. He replied saying it was a bad idea and he couldn’t see a positive outcome. This is the point where I ran out of sympathy with him, I told him that if he wanted to be involved then maybe he could think about how we could make it work instead of making me feel bad... Or words to that effect.
The next day at work I got a text saying that he couldn't see a future where he could be a part of it. I said that was fine.
I took myself off to the loo and cried again.
That was well over a week ago and I haven't heard a thing from him and I haven't cried since. I watched 2 episodes of Long Lost Family and still haven't cried. I even got a parking ticket and didn't cry!
I feel fantastic, tired & hungry but fantastic. Still slightly shocked by the events of the past two weeks but fantastic.
My first real doctors appointment is this week, I don't know what to expect but my mums offered to come with me.
So this is it, I'm 37 and 10 weeks pregnant and going it alone. I'm going to be a single parent and I couldn't be happier. I have a sneaky feeling that the pregnancy is going to be the easy bit.