Hormones!!! Up and down and up and down...But at least Sarah's hair looks good ;)

It's been a bit of a week to say the least. I had another scan yesterday - that's number 4 now - and my little feral foetus managed to stay still long enough to get the back of its neck measured, but only just.
I'm not worried, I'm not worried about how much my little nutter is moving around in there, I'm not.. Honestly! Ok yeah I am... I'm petrified that it's another force of energy that will match my crazy dogs and the next few years will be spent chasing them all over Lincoln and the surrounding countryside. Still it's one way to lose the baby weight I guess.
I had more blood tests, got some tests back, had blood pressure taken and my enthusiastic midwife told me my blood pressure is "ABSOLUTELY PERFECT" and I'm "DEFINITELY NOT ANAEMIC" which is good.

My body seems to love being pregnant, my hair feels soft, my nails (the ones that aren't bitten) are stronger and my skins cleared up. Physically pregnancy suits me, it's just my hormones and my tear ducts that are playing up really. I think I can experience about 13 different emotions in a half hour interval and the tears... Oh my god, there is no chance of a hosepipe ban in Lincoln. Just stand me by the reservoir and show me a picture of the door of the Lindo wing and watch me go. It's exhausting! I cried when Kate Middleton went into hospital, I cried when I saw the reporters outside, I cried when it was announced she'd had a baby, then again when I saw people outside the palace. More tears when her mum went to visit, then Prince Charles, when they came out to meet everyone I was weeping and inconsolable when they put the car seat in the car and drove off. That's not all, I cried when the dog wouldn't come back when I called him, I cried at work because I was too busy, I cried when I watched the video of the people of Lincoln miming to Take That songs, then I cried when I watched another video of people I'd never met in a town I'd never heard of doing a similar thing but to "American Pie". It's never bloody ending. I'm driving myself and everyone around me nuts. When I'm not crying I'm livid, I'm angry about anything and everything and anyone that knows me knows I'm at my most eloquent when I'm angry. The insults and things I've said are awful but still imaginative which I'm proud of. It's bad though as I was on one rant in the office and when I looked over Henry was hiding under the desk. So then on comes the guilt. Guilt that I'm not going to be able to look after the dog as much once the baby's here, guilt because I'm ranting or crying at anyone near me, guilt because I'm not going to be able to give my future child a father figure, or even really tell it where it's bloody father is. I even felt guilty when I read an article about women with good jobs and support networks who, like me, are able to have children without a man around which, apparently, is unfair to poorer women who don't have that luxury. I've felt all of this, and more in the past few days. I'm like a broken barometer with my mood wildly changing by the second. I'll be hilarious and euphoric one minute, wanting to hug the world and desperately racking my brains to think of someone I havent shared the news I'm pregnant with to flat as a pancake the next.

Add to all of this the shame, humiliation and rejection I feel on a daily basis when some kind soul asks if I'd "heard anything from Mr.A" and I have to reply No. They all respond with "you will, he'll be back" and I'm not sure if this is supposed to be reassuring or a warning! Why everyone has to ask all the time I'm not sure of but I guess that's what you gets for airing your dirty laundry like I'm doing... And I know that all the people that ask mean it kindly, they are just looking out for me, but it's just a reminder of something I'm trying to put behind me as soon as possible, for my own piece of (slightly unstable) mind. Strangely some of the males friends (not all of them) in my acquaintance seem to think I should be leaving the door wide open for Mr. A, for him to stroll back into once he does decide to come back. That I owe this to my child. Though I'm sure if I met a man further down the line and they showed themselves to be irresponible, spineless, cowardly and selfish they would be the first people to tell me not to have a man like that in my child's life and to put the child first.
Of course, I haven't heard anything from Mr.A and again I've been sat in a hospital waiting room watching couples much younger than me wander round looking anxious and holding hands, while I've been there with my aged mother wondering if they are looking at me and feeling sorry for me and the humiliation and shame sweeps over me again. So the cheer myself up I like to think that they are wondering if we are an old lesbian couple who have done a turkey baster job, then I chuckle and then I feel disgusted at myself.
A whole spectrum of emotions over the course of the past few days and I'm shattered - but my hair looks good!

Tweet