A party in Sarah's Tummy!
There's a party going on somewhere deep inside my body and I've not been invited to it.
There's all sorts going on in there, there's cracks and twangs, and swoops and aches and I haven't got a clue what any of them mean and they are everywhere. The caffeine headache has gone but a dull thud still lingers, then I also get a really bad pain on the left hand side of my chest, I know this is nothing, I know it's just my body shifting about as when I mentioned it to the midwife she said to go see the GP, took my blood pressure and it was perfect again. I think if I was to drop down of a head attack it would show up on my blood pressure and if the pain was an unusual one the midwife would sound a little worried. I'm also getting weird feelings and pains in my lower stomach, sometimes it's tender, sometimes it's solid, sometimes it's churning and I'm thinking maybe it's the baby or maybe it's the 5th chocolate digestive I've just eaten. Who knows?
But there's one person that knows, one tiny little person and it feels like that tiny little person is rampaging around my insides, using my rib cage as monkey bars to get about, turning some major organs into trampolines and my intestines into a water slide and basically having a ball. In my head my body is now like the cartoon strip The Numbskulls. The Numbskulls were from The Beano or The Dandy, I can't remember, and it was little people that lived in a blokes head controlling everything. It was weird but I loved it, and now that feels like that's what's happening to me. That my little baby has now taken complete control of my body and emotions and he's just going nuts. The power has gone to his head. It's moving from room to room in my body pushing buttons and pulling levers and triggering everything. His favourite room is still Tear Control Centre, where I think he likes to sit and just flicks the switch that makes me cry quite a lot. Over and over again that switch is getting flicked as I cry almost hourly over all sorts of reasons. So it's definitely the baby and not me thats doing it as I only used to cry once a day when I had control of everything.
Before I was pregnant and met Mr A, I used to be a bit of a party animal and I used to like the control I had over my body. I used to say things like "beat your body into submission" or "tell your body who's boss" to friends who couldn't handle another drink or night out or another few hours on the dance floor. I would take herbal remedies to balance out my mood swings and know where I was in my cycle. I knew I had to be careful drinking white wine and I couldn't get drunk before my period as it would send me doolally. I would feel sorry for men who must get so bored of always feeling the same that it's no wonder they get "man flu" as the slightest change must freak them out. To have that gentle change throughout the month and be able to pinpoint your mood and to have a relationship like that with your body is a blessing I think. I'm not a control freak in any way, I'm too submissive for that, but I enjoyed the control and understanding I had with my body and now someone has come along and taken it from me and is going wild with the responsibility. So like whenever there's a party going on that I haven't been invited to, or when someone wants me to do something I don't want to I've acted like the mature adult that I am.. I've retaliated and rebelled.
After the migraine last week and so so so so so many tears I've not even counted how many cups of tea I've had a day, then on Friday I had mussels. A big pot of mussels in a white wine sauce. They were delicious. Then I went out for Tapas on Wednesday and I ate prawns, chorizo, mussels and I had a glass of Rioja. My first glass of wine in almost 10 weeks and it was like drinking heaven. The smell, the taste, it was wonderful. I could have hugged it.
Take that body, I thought, while I was acting out my mini rebellion. I have ultimate control and you will learn who's boss. My tummy was doing the usual churnings it's been doing when I went to bed that night and I feel happy and in charge again. I woke up Thursday and felt fine. One glass of wine and the odd mussel isn't gonna hurt I thought. My sister called to check I was ok and not feeling guilty, which I wasn't, I think she was shocked I was so blasé about it. I'm not going to bog myself down in pregnancy paranoia I thought. Throughout the day I felt fine. I felt really good in fact, I realised I felt better than I had in weeks, there were no pains, no pops, no churnings, no chest pains, no tears and it all seemed very weird. Pregnancy paranoia slowly crept in. Oh god, what have I done to it? Have I overloaded it with good food and alcohol and it can't cope. I'm the worst mother ever, so selfish, I can't even keep off the shellfish for a few months to make sure my little one is fit and healthy. I don't deserve this baby I thought. I went swimming with my mum where I justified my actions, like most women my mums age she told me that she was glad she wasn't going through pregnancy now as women nowadays can't do anything. We both were pretty sure that women on the continent weren't told to give up wine but to be on the safe side we decided not to go in the hot tub after our swim as I'd been over to read the sign and I wasn't allowed in there either as it may be too warm. Someone had mentioned to me that I wasn't allowed to go in them but I'd carried on regardless but I was so overloaded with guilt and desperate to do something right that we decided to stay out. Once we made the decision and felt better we turned and watched a heavily pregnant women walk out of the Steam Room and into the Sauna. European we said, so lucky.
Yesterday after the mini rebellion I decided to do the wise thing and let the baby take control of my body again. It's just easier this way I thought. Less guilt. So the pains and aches were all back, the pops and swoops and the near passing out from the heat of the day. I indulged it's every whim and got it whatever it wanted and I was rewarded.
When I went to bed last night after Celebrity Big Brother I lay on my back and had my hands on my tummy. I'd had a pizza to eat earlier, along with garlic bread and wedges (What? It was what the baby wanted!) and I was stuffed. My tummy was aching a little bit so I was moving my hands about, I knew there was a point where I had to feel as there was a small solid bit on the lower right, so I lay my hands on it. Lay my hands on the solid mass inside my tummy to feel what it was, and in response it moved. It moved about half an inch then it disappeared back it the murky depths of my womb. Im not sure if i felt it on my hand or inside of me but it was there and it was moving about. Hello Little One I said. It felt amazing, better than any glass of Rioja, nicer than any mussel or dip in the hot tub. To know there's a baby there is an awesome and wonderful feeling. You have your party darling I thought, because I'll have mine when you get here.