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Therapy and Me

Monday, 14 May 2018  | 

 

Therapy and me.

 

 

In the long ten years I have battled anxiety, depression, PTSD and now PND one thing that never really stuck was any form of therapy.

It was going to group therapy for one class and being put off, it was being put on a waiting list with nothing to show for it.

In the end I took the pills, papered over the cracks and forced it to the back of my mind.

I was a fake it until you make it kinda gal, and in some ways had even convinced myself I was okay.

I found other outlets to ‘process’ or what I thought was processing the issues, but they were merely put on the back burner.

Blogging for one, but instead I just learnt the ‘script’ I was typing and not really acknowledging the damage that was there.

Nine months into having my second son and receiving my PND diagnosis I have become someone I don’t even recognise.

I am in a negative spiral constantly pushing the resentment, guilt, anger onto my children.

Onto my baby.

I blamed him for how I was feeling.

Never considering, it is not his fault.

I had become my mother.

It had to change, so I knew that sadly, I couldn’t get the help I needed from the NHS, and we are in a position (ish) to go private I sought a therapist.

I emailed her Sunday night, I was booked in for Wednesday Morning.

For those days leading up to my appointment I began to think, really think about what I wanted to talk about.

I was slightly anxious that it would spew out like a volcano which is sort of did, but the therapist identified the problems straight away.

She gave me advice to take home and put into practice during the week and for the first time in 9 months I felt calm.

I spent time enjoying the baby not resenting him, not worrying about how much I had to do.

I also know there are a lot of issues that have built up to this, that for me how I was dealing with them was not a healthy coping mechanism.

I am finally, once and for all banishing the demons to make myself but if one hour made this much difference.

I can only hope by the end of treatment I will be me again, albeit a better and more functional me.

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