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The Meltdown

Thursday, 16 May 2019  |  Admin


There are days when I sit here, even with all the knowledge Iíve accumulated over the years and wonder if Iím imagining things.

When weíre at home or out for a meal - the truth is the children often cope brilliantly. The Lion, can spend hours playing with his fire engines whilst the Bear loves to cook and watch films. A lot of the time our life is good. We have a wonderful family, and I am forever grateful.

When things are calm and the children are happy, I sometimes wonder if Iím imagining things. If the Lion is neurotypical after all. There are times I hope the journey we have been on with the Bear wonít be repeated.

Because the truth is, although the Bear is utterly incredible, I will always find it hard to know that there is nothing I can do to protect her from her own anxieties. I will always feel guilty that as her mum, there are so many times I donít have the answers she needs me to have.

I love my children from the bottom of my heart. I wouldnít change them for the world. But I would change my ability to understand them, to reassure them, to understand their tears.

Today was not one of those days when I wondered if I was imagining things.

Today was however very definitely one of those days when I wish I could have been a better mummy.

After nursery the Lion, began to cry and to scream. The demand to put his shoes on, was one too many and by the time we reached the car his cries had reached fever pitch.

An hour and a half later as I rocked him in his room, his sobs subsided as he fell asleep.

Nothing I could do comforted him.

He clutched to me, and did not want to let go.

Yet nothing I did was right.

He is my baby, my joy, my life.

But I could not take away his sadness.

And I will always wish. Always. That I could.

After all, thatís what mums do, right?

Comfort their children.