Jodie shares her very emotional story with us of when she miscarried
As last week was Pregnancy and Baby Loss Awareness Week I spent a lot of time reading blog and social media posts from other mums sharing their own experiences and I decided that it was time to share my own.
In early Spring 2013 an after 6 months of trying I finally got that positive line that I had been hoping for and we were both overjoyed. I don't think I'd even missed my period yet because I was crazy keen I was taking those cheap pregnancy tests virtually daily and we found out super early which was both a good and a bad thing. I was on cloud 9 and made the mistake of telling people (not on social media but those people I saw regularly). Not for one second did I think that I would not carry the baby to term. I was young, healthy and I didn't drink or smoke, how naive I was. I can't remember what happened now maybe I had bad stomach ache but I called the NHS 111 helpline and they got me a appointment for the Early Pregnancy Unit at my local hospital. It wasn't a emergency appointment maybe for a couple of days later because the stomach ache passed and I felt fine. I went to the appointment and it was very busy and there was a lot of waiting. They called us into this room and asked lots of questions and I had a early scan. For those of you who don't know what it is it's a internal scan (yes up your hoo hoo) with a big wand thing. It was embarrassing but it soon passed, they looked on the screen and saw a small sign of pregnancy just the sac but said that it was too early to see much and that I must only be about 4 weeks along. They booked me in for a scan 1 week later. At that scan they told me that it was good that they could see the yolk sac and that the heart had started to beat. They gave us a scan picture and we were elated. I thought they were going to discharge me but I was confused when they told me to come back for another scan in 1 weeks time. We had make plans to go out for dinner with family after the scan and I couldn't wait as I was starving. As we pulled up in the car park I saw 2 magpies and thought that it was a good luck sign as I had always been superstitious. During the scan I could tell something was wrong as the tech was pretty quiet and then she said "there is no heartbeat, I'm sorry" I couldn't believe it my dreams where shattered in seconds and I couldn't see for tears.
My husband kept himself together well until we got back to the car and then he broke down and we cancelled our dinner plans. A part from the obvious nightmare that had just hit me I wanted things over with then an there so we could try again immediately! The only way to fix this would be to get pregnant again. They told me that they couldn't that and I had to wait about 5 days before I could go back. Having to wallow in grief at home knowing that I was still pregnant but my baby was dead, it's called a missed miscarriage where your body doesn't know yet. They told me I could wait for nature to take it's course but they don't know how long that would be or I could have a pessary and drugs to pass the pregnancy. It was all very sad and I remember as soon as I came home from having the drugs that I was sick and my stomach hurt like never before. It was all over with that afternoon even though I did still bleed for a few days after. Physically I was as ok as could be but mentally that was the problem. I had suffered with depression in the past and only recently weaned off my Sertraline when I found out that I was pregnant but here I was in complete despair. Every time I saw a woman pushing a pram or a pregnant woman I felt overcome with grief, why me? Some people don't even want kids or don't look after them, why me? when I wanted one more than anything. I was angry at the world and I didn't understand how life could be so cruel and unfair. I now dislike magpies and don't follow any superstitions as it reminds me of how I felt that morning in the car park. The only thing that I could think of that would make me happy again was to have another child. So as the months ticked by I was saddened with each negative result, I was doing a lot better apart from the odd breakdown at work. When June came around for Fathers Day we were out shopping for a card and I saw one that said 'To Daddy from Bump' seeing that hurt so bad and when we got home I was inconsolable, I should have had a bump and I should have been able to buy that card. The baby would have been due at Christmas and as October rolled around talks of Christmas started to crop up, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out until after Christmas, how could I enjoy Christmas when my baby should have been due. It should have been such a happy time. In the end I started thinking about asking my Dr for counselling because I just couldn't see any end to my grief.
On Halloween my husband brought me home a miniature bottle of my favourite wine to enjoy with our takeaway and I said 'I will just go take a test first to make sure that I can drink' and to my delight it was positive! I was so so happy words couldn't describe and thankfully I went on to have a healthy baby who is here today. Christmas was indeed a happy occasion as we had our 12 week scan on the 16th December (our anniversary). Having the previous miscarriage did take a lot of joy out of my pregnancy though, all the innocence was gone. I was constantly thinking oh no what if something happens like last time. I was terrified right until the end and then it doesn't really end when they are born as you are constantly checking if they are breathing. I feel that going what I went through has made me appreciate Sophia more if that's possible, I just squeeze her that bit tighter. I feel very lucky to have her but when I talk to other mums about miscarriage I find that most of them have also been through a similar situation, some many times over which I can't imagine. The Tommy's Baby charity are the only charity in the UK who are researching into why miscarriages happen and helping families who have had a miscarriage or a stillbirth. If you have been effected by a miscarriage or stillbirth it's something that you never forget and if you need to talk to anyone I recommend reaching out to others in real life or online. Everyone is very supportive.
Feel free to reach out to me too. Writing this post has brought back a lot of old thoughts and feelings but it has been therapeutic to type out. - Jodie www.wiganmum.com