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Monday, 8 July 2019  |  Mummy and Little Me

The Honest Confessions of a Heart Mum
To my youngest child on your second birthday,

How is it that it seems like only yesterday we were waiting for you to arrive and now we are celebrating your second birthday?
It brings it all back on that fateful night when you decided to make an appearance at home in the bath in less than an hour.
I should have known then you were going to be a handful!
We havenít had the easiest time have we?
I found it so hard to adjust to having two children, especially balancing a second child with a medically complex and demanding child like your brother.
I always feel like youíve come second, and I guess in some ways you did.
It was never you, you did nothing wrong but things got mixed up for me and I still beat myself up about this every single day.
You were always more comfortable with your dad, I think you picked up on my mixed feelings.
I became jealous, I began to resent the late night wake ups, the separation anxiety and everything else that comes with the first year.
After your brother was born and everything that followed I had a lot of un resolved issues that I think got brought back when you were born and projected on you.
I have never felt as though I was a good enough mother for you.
I didnít take you to all the baby groups, I have never got you weighed and I call you by your brothers name at least twice a day.
You didnít have new toys, and you live in your brothers hand me down clothes.
I think it really is true what they say about having a second child.
It doesnít mean I didnít love you any less, I just donít think I showed you it enough.
I always saw you as the baby, the one who didnít sleep causing me no end of grief but suddenly you are a walking, talking and independent little person (who still doesnít sleep!)
I think we slotted into a routine where our week was dictated by drop offs and pickups at childcare, work, and all of your brotherís extra activities I didnít see how quickly you were growing.
You certainly are not my baby anymore, but you still scramble up on my lap for a cuddle.
Ever since you were a baby youíve grabbed our hands for comfort and you still do.
It took so long for me to find that bond with you and I am sorry for all the time we missed out on.
Now, you are a bit older, I am finding it easier now you have your own likes and dislikes.
It makes my heart swell watching you play games with your brother and even play your little games with your toys on your own.
You make me laugh so much, you never want for anything happy playing with an empty DVD case most days!
I enjoy our time together now, I like seeing your face when we take you on days out.
We are at a funny place, you want to walk with everyone else so much, but you also want to runÖ everywhere!
I know you donít like being shackled into your pram and it makes me so happy when we get you out and you grab my hand and walk by my side.
You have learnt so many new words recently, and I have to say I do relish in the fact that I have to translate what you are saying to everyone as I can understand what you are saying.
You are now forming sentences and it seems like you are suddenly trying to take on the world.
I love how different you are and if we are honest how weird you are!
I like watching how you copy things that your Dad or bother have done making them your own.
I adore your dirty laugh, and I can see how happy it is when you make everyone laugh.
You wear a collider on your hard as a hat, you wear your brotherís wellies and stomp around the house in them.
You are most comfortable barefoot in the back garden digging up mud, or running on the beach or through the woods.
You are our little wild child always wanting to dive straight in and get wet or muddy.
It doesnít seem like you are two, it seems as though the last two years have gone by so quickly, but at the same time it also seems as though youíve always been part of our lives.
You make me laugh when you gather all your favorite toys and carry them around all day even though you drop them everywhere.
I like that you count to three every time you go down the stairs.
Recently, it feels as though we have shifted out of the baby phase and we are now thinking about potty training, ditching your noona (dummy) and putting your name down for preschool.
With your brother starting school in September I think we will get a lot more one on one time and you will get a lot more time with us.
I want to be able to be as close to you, as I am with your brother and at the moment we donít have that. That might be my fault, or it might be because we havenít ever had that time on our own that I had for three years with your brother.
So, happy birthday my darling boy.
I am always surprised with how much you have achieved in your two short years and you make so many people smile.
If I could say anything to you it would be not to change, I want you to stay exactly as you are (perhaps sleep a bit more!) I love how crazy and weird you are and I never want to see that go.
Sometimes I am focused in your brother and I hope when you are a bit older you will realize why but it doesnít mean I love you any less.
You, my evil glaring little oddball are beautiful.
You will do amazing things my darling, I just know it.
Happy 2nd Birthday.
Love Mum (or Mum mum mum to you) x

Vicki Cockerill is a NICU/ CHD Mum of two boys, working mum and freelance blogger.

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