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Being a parent is so glamorous (not)

Saturday, 23 July 2016  |  Admin

Mummy and Little Me –

The glamourous side of parenting I remember spending so much time on my appearance when I was younger. I used to put my make up on even if I wasn’t going out. Now, I am lucky if I manage to put it on once a week! If I was having a night out I would literally spend the whole of Saturday getting ready. I would have a really long bath, wash my hair and spend hours doing my nails, fake tan and putting my fake eyelashes on. I remember when I was finished how glamourous I felt. I had a flash back to this when I was cleaning my son’s poo out of the carpet after he had taken his nappy of himself but neglected to tell me what he had done in it before! I loved being pregnant, having that big ol’ round belly to rub, and people who I didn’t know would stop and talk to me. I felt so special, however that soon stops after you very unattractively moo like a cow and give birth.

Then there is the aftermath. The hospital knickers, the mattress sized liners and nursing bras. Yes, you have a new beautiful little baby and your appearance is the last thing on your mind when you have been up for 4 days straight and haven’t even had a shower. But there is something to be said for feeling like yourself again. Feeling like a human again, a tired one but still a human. It can do wonders for your sanity. I think in those first days it can be something so simple as washing and blow drying your hair. I sometimes didn’t brush or wash my hair for days on end and lived in my partners jogging bottoms. When I did manage to have a bath and go out it was with scraped back hair and no make-up. Then you have the period of readjustment where after about 4 months you are not considered a ‘new mum’ anymore and in all aspects should probably get it together.

However, I did not cope well with colic, silent reflux and sleep deprivation for the first 6 months of Elijah’s life I looked like a zombie. I felt like one too, getting covered in snot, sick and anything else that would be thrown at me. Normally puree that I had spent the evening before making. This was added by the fact we spent so much time in a hospital where all sense of time and reality is lost. Then comes the nappy explosions, poo -nami type full on EXPLOSIONS, especially in public. We once went out for a nice little coffee date in our local Costa and Elijah had managed to explode his nappy to such an extend it was up to his neck. This then of course covered me. There was also the time again in Costa where he projectile vomited everywhere. Hmm saying it now, I may stop going to Costa. Being a parent just is not glamourous. It is on the complete opposite side to glamorous. Those ladies at the school gates who look perfectly made up, or the celebs who never have sick on them? I am not sure if you have a small army helping you, or that you get up at 4am to put your face on? I just don’t have it in me, I love my sleep. I am happy to rock up with my mum bun and bare face, if it means an extra half an hour in bed. I will however, then moan about how rubbish I then feel it seems I am just too lazy to do anything about it. I am very lucky to have a caring little boy who will tell me I am pretty which makes everything that little bit better, oh wait nope he peed on the beanbag.

After going back to work I got some sense of normality back, and began wearing dresses again, putting on my make-up and doing my hair. I even plucked my eyebrows! I spent my maternity leave leaving them so they would grow back after the years of torture I put them through! That is one of my proud achievements of how I spent my maternity leave! However, now Elijah is a toddler there are new and unexpected ways that he makes me feel like a Yummy Mummy. NOT.

1. He wipes his snotty nose on my shoulder when I am not looking so all of my clothes have a white crusty stain on the shoulder.

2. He wipes his chocolatey hands on my trousers.

3. When he is ill and sick, he is really sick not just milky sick anymore. I once at 3am caught it in my hands and it smelt like Babybells.

4. He takes his nappy off and pees everywhere even on his poor Nanny!

5. Elijah likes pooping on the floor and then picking it up, running to me that he has ‘ewwwww’ on his hands.

6. I have picked poo up of the floor way too many times to count.

7. Elijah is like a magnet, he attracts every sticky substance and then transfers this to me.

8. Nothing quite says I love you mum like rubbing an Oreo into the inside of his nappy and getting me to wipe it all off. 9.

He hands me half chewed food.

10. Elijah loves getting our toothbrushes and chucking them all over the floor, or trying to clean the cat’s teeth with them. I love being a parent, and there are now things like sick, wee, poo and everything in-between they do not tend to bother me that much. But I also love feeling like I am put together, that I look nice. I think where we have hit the terrible toddler twos those things do not go hand in hand. Therefore, I am off to scrub the snot patch of my top and use a wet wipe to ‘cleanse’ my face at the same time.

Angelina Jolie eat your heart out.