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Battling post natal depression

Wednesday, 11 April 2018  | 

Rage -the unspoken symptom of PND.

 

 

I have been battling post-natal depression for nearly nine months now.

Basically, for the whole time my second son has been alive.

Since, July I have felt as though I am a failure, a bad mother and I have completely lost myself.

When I look in the mirror I no longer know who is staring back at me.

When the fog came down it felt as though I would never find my way out.

Again, and again I would ask my partner when I would be happy again.

When would I be me? Or was this it now?

The good days were few and far between with the majority being dark.

I was overwhelmed, I was emotional but most surprisingly I was angry.

There is a mis conception that if you are suffering from post-natal depression then you have the ‘baby blues’.

These two terms should not be used in conjunction with one another.

PND is not the ‘baby blues’ and is insulting to those who are battling this illness right now.

It seemed as time went on, I became angrier and angrier especially at myself.

The smallest thing would set me into such a rage that I shocked everyone around me.

We have all been guilty of raising our voices now and again when we have been pushed to the limit by a testing toddler.

Or screamed when the baby would not stop crying.

You are hormonal, sleep deprived and irrational after having a baby.

This rage however, was on a whole new level.

I could literally feel myself exploding, building up and it would remain there for hours.

I would have to normally sleep it off, every time I tried to relax something else would set it off.

I felt as though my mind would not shut off it was as though I was manic.

My own mother would shout and lash out a lot when I was younger. I remember from a young age fearing her.

I promised myself I would never turn into her, to treat the boys as though she did me.

But here I am, feeling myself turn into her.

I was never this angry beforehand.

When think of someone suffering from post-natal depression how do you picture them?

Crying? Despondent to their child? Not coping?

Post-natal depression doesn’t have a face, and it affects us all in different ways, but we have to talk about our experiences to learn from them and to normalise them.

Until you read this, did you know range was a symptom of PND?

Up until recently nor did I, until I read an article, and everything fell into place.

It was as though the author was seeing me and describing by day in perfect detail.

I know this isn’t the real me, but sometimes it is hard to believe the ‘real me’ is even still in there.

But she is, and she is slowly returning.

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