Vicki wants to be her sons best friend
I have a secret, one that makes me a bit of a loser mum.
I really want to be my son’s best friend. For as long as I can. I also want us to start wearing matching clothes, but that is a whole other story!
We have spent 21 months together and do you know what I am realising? He is growing up. Fast.
When I picked him up from nursery last week, he came running out and turned and said goodbye to his three little friends who were all looking over at the gate at him. It made my heart melt but then it hit me. My little man is his own person, with his own friends, his own likes and dislikes. He has playdates, he has sleepovers with his Nanny. I am no longer the centre of his world.
The baby bubble has burst, and we no longer spend every day together napping, watching TV between feeds. He no longer solely relies on me. To feed him, to comfort and settle him, to carry him around.
He can do these things on his own, he can communicate himself, feed himself, he can go and play on his own.
My not so little baby is a toddler; with an attitude and he has begun to tell me that no mummy he does not want a cuddle.
Unlike most we have been through a hell of a lot more. Elijah was in NICU for 9 days, and had open heart surgery at 6 months, we were in hospital foe 5 days. In the times we were in hospital we developed such a strong bond. Being able to make him laugh or comfort him sometimes without being able to touch him has its own challenges but we got through them. When he came up from surgery Elijah had enough morphine to knock down a horse but as soon as he heard my voice was turning his head and trying to wake up, the nurses couldn’t believe it!
I am beginning to miss the days where he would spend hours curled up asleep on my chest. Or when no one else in the world could settle him or comfort him. To work out what was wrong with him.
That I am a little bit jealous when he has a great time with someone else, like his dad.
Granted, I do have a bit mummy’s boy but I am now beginning to cherish those little moments that bit more as they are few and far between.
Like when he gets out of bed and crawls into my bed in the night for a cuddle, because he wants to sleep with me. Or that he takes my scarf to bed because it smells of my perfume, how he loves to help me get ready and pretend to put my make up on.
I feel so bad for all the times I moaned that I was bored or fed up when we were in the new born days as it can get very monotonous. I miss that time, when Elijah’s dad was at work and it was just us two. We have so much more going on in our lives now, work, nursery, blogging, studying that yes, we do still spend an insane amount of time together, but I may not always be 100% focused on him.
We took a walk the other day, went for a little mum and son adventure, and I loved it. I need to take stock of how lucky I am to get to spend this time with him before he starts school. While he is still young enough to think I am a cool and funny mum. That his surgery went well, and he is here to do these things with me.
Like when I pull stupid faces, or when the best part of his day is having a bath with me.
The fact that he doesn’t feel embarrassed of me, of what I look like, or what I wear. That he thinks it’s amazing running errands like going to bank with me.
That he doesn’t mind when I put my music on and dance like an idiot, (he joins in) and wants to eat everything that is on my plate.
He doesn’t care if I have no makeup on, or wear my pjs all day and haven’t brushed my hair.
At the park or softplay he is getting so brave, he no longer wants me to accompany him everywhere, but I still love that he runs back me to at every opportunity. That he pulls me up, and leads to by the hand yelling ‘Mummy’.
What I want to have is a relationship with my son, where he comes to me when he gets dumped by a girl, or when he has made a mistake. I will be there at every important event in his life and will support him no matter what.
I want him to come and take his ol’ mama out to the cinema or for lunch. When he takes the world by storm which I know he will I want him to have me by his side. Like when Leonardo DiCaprio takes his Mum to the Baftas.
When they ask Elijah how did he get where he is today I want him to say because of my mum.
That when he finally has kids of his own he moves me in as a nanny!
Elijah’s dad laughs at me and says me and Elijah are weird when we have our snuggles and kisses or when Elijah gets my pjs ready after a bath! But I love this, it breaks my heart to think of us never being close.
Right now, I am still the only one to comfort him when he is ill, or has hurt himself. I may not be the centre of Elijah’s world anymore, but I am his one and only mum and he loves me. Well he does until someone whips out a jaffa cake anyway.
After all I carried him for 9 months, I spent 8 hours in labour giving birth to him, 9 days in NICU, 5 days watching him go down to have open heart surgery and recover, and wake up each night with him.
I want to be his best friend, as he is my hero, my inspiration and my one true love.
Hopefully he will love his mama even when I am old, wrinkly and not as uber cool as I most certainly am now!
Vicki (NICU Mum)