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Before we were mothers what were we?

Thursday, 30 June 2016  | 

 

I do not think I fully accepted who I was until I had Elijah.

I look back at my high school years and think of the times I changed my hair, pierced god knows what and tried out every type of fashion phase there was. I was the chavy girl with giant hooped earrings and tight Goldigga hoodies. I was the emo girl with black hair, with more eyeliner than Amy Winehouse. There was the slightly odd phase of having my hair like Russell Brand (I wish I could say I was joking) and when I bleached only half of my hair white. I never really felt truly comfortable being ‘me’.

I wanted to rebel against everything that I could, push the ‘real me’ down, and pretend to be someone I was not. I felt I had to try and be someone else, to prove to everyone that I was what I thought they wanted me to be. I don’t think I had an easy ride as a teenager, suffering from an undiagnosed thyroid disease I was skinny, flat chested, acne ridden and was so awkward in myself. You could tell I was just not happy in my own skin.

It seemed that no matter who I liked at school, they were not interested in me. I watched all my friends have boyfriends while I stood on the side lines. So, I did what I presume many people do to gain confidence I drank. A lot. I would go after all of the wrong people, the ones who I thought liked me, which they did but they liked the party girl, ‘me’. I still was uncomfortable in myself when I met my partner of 8 years Greg.

It got to the point where I didn’t like admitting who I was, what I liked, being ashamed and hiding my true self. It was fear of rejection, both parents rejected me it had a long lasting effect. I don’t want to admit that I didn’t really like what everyone else did, shock horror I hate the X Factor, love rock music and am a geek. I mean a huge geek, Harry Potter, Dr Who, Marvel the lot. I love reading, and have a strange addiction to mint imperials. I just thought people wouldn’t accept me for who I was. But, they did.

I have an amazing group of friends who have seen me at my worst, and seen me at my best. They have stood by me for 13 years. I have a partner who I have lived with for 8 years, he knows everything about me. I am probably a bit too comfortable with him, but hay, how bad can it be he watched me give birth?! There is that period of adjustment once you have had a baby. When your body now belongs to you again. It never really is the same again is it?

I am happy with the size I am now, but I have my mum tum, my stretchmarks and I still have spots. Whether it’s now because I am too busy running after Elijah. Or maybe it’s because I know he doesn’t care what I look like, he doesn’t care if I don’t wear makeup and he loves it when I act the fool. He truly accepts me for me. I am his mum; he loves me regardless. Going through what we did with Elijah’s heart surgery I think it changed my perspective on things. Yes, I have a huge zit on my face and have to go to work, who cares? Maybe I will pour myself a large gin and sit down and binge watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I don’t go out much, but I am fine with that. I used to have anxiety, but it seems just like everything else Elijah has taught me not to worry and to throw myself in. Life is too short for me to sit at home just because I feel uncomfortable. It is about doing what makes you happy.

I no longer pretend to be someone I am not. If you don’t like me, I am not too fussed. I seems like I am no longer scared of rejection. Now, I know what it is like to unconditionally love and be loved by someone. I am lucky to have some amazing people in my life. I have a partner who even after watching me give birth somehow still fancies me! Even when I go into graphic description on what my period is like! I don’t care that people think I am weird or geeky, it is who I am. I have accomplished some amazing things in the last few months. I grew and gave birth to Elijah. I have overcome PTSD and I am learnt to balance motherhood, work and running my blog. I am completely honest in what I write and I think doing so has helped me process a lot of feelings that I have harboured since high school. I have the confidence to approach others and throw myself into different situations.

I have now truly accepted who I am. I am a mama and I am me. After 26 years of being scared to admit who I am, it took one little boy and a rollercoaster 18 months to finally let go of the anxiety, fear, worry and gain the confidence to say hay I grew a human and gave birth, going on a night out? That’s nothing I’ll get my coat. Vicki (NICU Mum)

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